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No, I'm not Mr. Perfect, but I am the PerfectOne!

Oh yes, the PerfectOne, the Internet's most hated columnist, has returned! It seems like the Outside Influence, and my column in particular, has gained some attention from Internet surfers. It's about time.

Before I get to the part of the column where I talk about whatever I feel like, how about I answer some "fan" mail. Does that sound good to you? I don't care if you say "yes" or "no," just for the record.

I'll do what I can to protect anonymity. This first e-mail comes from "Hannah."

I read your articles about sean and joanie. I watched BDSSP and I even taped it. I was very surprised when she announced it but I wasn't disgusted. I just wanted to let you that there are a lot of fans who love joanie and are very happy for both of them. Just wanted to tell you that you are the thing that disgusts me. I really don't see why they shouldn't marry. If they love each other let them be happy for goddness sake. WE LOVE HER AND SEAN and we hate stupid, motherfucking, assfaces like you. Let's see what u gotta say to this. Write back if u dare.

joanies fan

OK. I need to remember to be objective and analyze clearly and thoroughly. First, when you refer to another human being by his or her name, always try to remember to capitalize the name. It is truly the polite thing to do. I'm happy you taped BDSSP. Now, for those of you that are not sure what BDSSP means, it stands for Best Damn Sports Show Period. It appears on the Fox Sports Network. I catch it every now and then. I'm glad that you weren't disgusted by the engagement. I'm happy that you have someone to look up to. Posing nude in a magazine is something to be proud of, after all. I'm sorry to hear that I disgust you. More on that later. I agree, I can't find any reason why they should not marry either. I'm not standing in the way of their marriage. I think you meant to say "goodness" instead of "goddness." I guess I'm being yelled at now since you are using all caps. Now "Hannah," must we resort to obscenities? If you were trying to upset me, it is possible to do it without using terms such as...well, the reader can see them above. If there are any minors reading this column, I apologize on behalf of "Hannah," but in a way it is good that you see this so that you know that using terms such as these are not the best way to get a point across to an audience. "U" is not a word. I think the word you were looking for is "you." Also, "gotta" is not a word. You would be better suited to use "have to." Well, "Hannah," I am responding to your e-mail in a public forum to be sure that the record is set straight.

Thank you "Hannah" for your response. I hope you feel that I have given enough thought to your message. I always try to take time for my "fans." Here is another e-mail, this time from "Sha":

Your little article on Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman was way out of
porportion. I see you are an individual that finds confidence out of
putting down others which it quite pathetic. Joanie Laurer is a
beautiful, talented woman who has opened doors for so many in this
world. Has it occured to you that others feel the same? She has
posed twice for Playboy making them record sellers and going for yet
another shoot. Think about that there. Millions of jerk off's
jacking there shriveled dicks to her because she is attractive. Sean
Waltman is a very intelligent, talented, good-looking man. Don't be
jealous that he got Joanie and you didn't. Be happy for them and get
a clue before putting down other individuals to fix your self pity.

Actually, "Sha," the "article" in question was short, it was not little. I am glad to see that you capitalize proper names. Do you see that "Hannah?" Spelling error, "Sha." I think you meant to type "proportion," not "porportion." Spelling does count, after all. I am an individual, but I found no confidence from posting the column last week. I believe you wanted the word "is" for "it" in that sentence. Your sentence structure was rather awkward as well. Don't worry too much, as practice will help you to become a better writer. You are entitled to your opinion as to who is beautiful in this world, as am I. I'll go out on a limb and agree that she has indirectly opened some doors for women. I haven't analyzed the Laurer effect and how it has helped women in society, but I will give you that one. See, who says I'm not fair? "Occured" is spelled as "occurred." I am not quite sure what that sentence means. These "others" feel the same as who? How do these others feel? I'll interpret this as others have the same opinion as you do. If this is what you meant, I, again, agree with you since everyone has the right to his or her own opinion. Again, your sentence about Playboy is awkward. What I think you mean to say is that the two times Joanie has posed for that publication, those editions were record sellers. She is going for another shoot as well. I have thought about it. I still don't like it. There are several errors in your next sentence, but I choose to not analyze it for the thought of that is truly disgusting. Note, I am saying what those people are doing is disgusting, I'm not calling any individual person disgusting. Thank you for capitalizing Mr. Waltman's name. He may be intelligent and talented, but I'll have to take your opinion about the third thing you said. Again, you are entitled to your opinion. I guess that you think Joanie is a prize to be won since you say he "got" her. No offense to Ms. Laurer, but I am not interested. I am happy for them. It takes guts to have a relationship in the public eye. I don't think I need to get a clue. Finally, I do not write things to help any "self pity" issues.

Thank you "Sha" for your insights, and I hope my comments were helpful to you. If you have any comments, feel free to e-mail me or post a message on the message board that is never used.

Now that the e-mail feedback section is finished, let me get on with the topic for this week. Originally, I had hoped to talk about random WWE issues such as Shawn Michaels being the new World Champion. However, due to the outpouring of negative comments, I have decided to talk about what was posted here last week.

Some people believe I owe them an apology. What I posted here on the website for a cheap laugh was taken and blown way out of proportion. If you just take a second to read what is there and compare it to other columns I have written, the style is COMPLETELY different. With that in mind, I refuse to apologize to any fan that may have been foolish enough to take a simple joke and take it to heart. Shame on you for allowing yourself to be offended so easily. If I do owe anyone an apology, it would be to Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman. If either of you are reading this (and I doubt you are), I apologize if you were offended by the small attempt at humor put on here last week.

The purpose of the mini-column was to build around the poor photograph that was included in a link. If you go to webpages and message boards around the Internet, you will find the EXACT same content. You could even watch late night talk shows where they do the same kind of silly things. The column was just there so that a viewer could click on the link to see the funny photograph of what a child from these two may look like. Maybe I have a twisted sense of humor. Although, there have been hundreds of visitors to this site within the past week, and I have only received a handful of negative comments. Maybe the majority of visitors realized that it was a joke and that I do not wish to interfere with the marriage of these two human beings. People may have had complaints about my calling Laurer a "beast." I never called her one! "I mean, Triple H learned to stay away from this beast, and I don't think he talks to Ex-Chyna that much either." My quick wit was referring to Sean Waltman as being the beast. This was actually done before, when Chris Jericho called Stephanie McMahon a beast when she was standing in the ring with Rhyno. So, in all honesty, I was being kind to her by not calling her one!

In the end, if what I say offends anyone, too bad! It's my opinion, and I have the right to have it and express it. You people have a right to form and express your opinions as well! As amazing as that sounds, it's true! I have never admitted to being a "nice guy" and saying the things that people will accept. Hell, I don't care if I offend everyone reading this column! I am the PerfectOne and I can say whatever I want within the confines of this column! I do my best to not launch personal attacks against people, but when I receive e-mail that is not clearly written and has to resort to using profanity or disturbing imagery or personal attacks on me, I have to respond to you. I have no problem debating the issue provided you send me a logical complaint supported by some facts or even just your opinion. Just make it clear without being offensive! I could complain that I was offended by these e-mails, but I wasn't. Taking these e-mails too seriously would be a waste of my time.

I hope I have shed some insight into this matter. I hope that this clears all controversy. If you are a fan of either Laurer or Waltman and were offended, too bad. Don't take things so personally. That is my advice to you. If you were not offended by the attempt at humor last week and have taken the time to read this column, I apologize to you for having to read this column which really has little to do with the current happenings in the WWE.

Until next time, I am the


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