From the Cheap Seats by Dan GlamourWelcome back to "From The Cheap Seats". I know that from your letters you have all missed me very much. Actually the only letters that I have received from you are requests for photos of Kurt Angle in a thong. I am not kidding. I went to a Smackdown house show event in Wheeling, WV and the main event was Edge versus Kurt Angle in a steel cage. Now after the match Edge pulled Kurt Angle's tights off and Kurt was wearing a thong underneath. So let me clear this up for all of you right now. I do have pictures from that match but I DO NOT HAVE PICTURES OF KURT ANGLE IN HIS THONG!!! I am glad that we could clear this up.
Tonight is an important night and should be focused on one man and one man only. That man is JOE MILLIONAIRE!!! Evan Marriott finally decides whom he will choose. Either Zora or Sarah. Like a really bad ending to WCW Monday Nitro, Evan Marriott did not make his decision last week. Damn you Fox!!! So instead of talking about the first hour of WWE RAW, I am going to be giving you my thoughts on the second hour of Joe Millionaire and the second hour of RAW.
Here is what you missed in the first hour of Joe Millionaire
It turns out that the entire first hour of Joe Millionaire was about the women of Joe Millionaire. The women that were subjected to the lie that Evan told them all. I don't know about you, but I could really give a rat's ass about who the women were. This is a brief summary of what was said. "I suspected that something was up." "I did not try to get picked by Evan because I thought that he had $50 million dollars." "Evan was a loser anyway." "Oh, I really didn't click with Evan." "I am more than just T and A".
The problem was that all of the women wanted to get their hands on $50 million dollars. There is no denying that, I mean the name of the show is Joe Millionaire. If any of the girls did not want people to think that they were money grubbing "bitches" then they should not have appeared on the show.
All of the girls were hot by the way. There is no denying that. It just goes to prove that Evan Marriott is a lucky bastard. I am not bitter or anything but do you really except me to sympathize with this guy. Aww poor Evan had an emotional break down. Evan can't handle lying to the girls anymore. Hey Evan, you got your choice of twenty hot chicks. Chicks, especially hot chicks won't even give me the time of day.
Now I know that I am not part of the ratings solution for WWE RAW because I am watching Joe Millionaire instead of WWE RAW. It is sad state of affairs when I would rather watch a cheesy reality television show than professional wrestling. The WWE needs to do something quick to peak my interest again. Naming Tommy Dreamer as a part of the Creative team is a start.
Melissa M. who was in the final three of the Joe Millionaire competition would be a perfect match for former ECW Commentator Joey Styles. Melissa must have said "Oh my god" about a dozen times. Joey needs to get her phone number ASAP.
Heidi was a the biggest "bitch" of them all. Heidi acted like one throughout the entire season of Joe Millionaire. And then to top it all off, she had a boyfriend at home. So she kept single girls from advancing to the end. Heidi should have never been on the show in the first place. Her relationship at home will never work. Heidi's boyfriend said that he was okay with her on the show. He was not worried at all. What he is though is whipped. Heidi was right; she does wear the pants in the relationship.
And for those you actually watched the first half of RAW
AND THE WINNER IS oh; it is a recap from last week's episode. Sarah and Zora each had there own opportunity to spend time alone with each other. Who will Evan choose? The suspense is killing me too.
Let's see what is on RAW hey they actually have an opening match. Rob Van Dam taking on Lance Storm. Lance would you please put some pants on. And for those of you did not watch WWE Sunday Night Heat on MTV and judging by the ratings most of you haven't been. William Regal and Lance Storm will be defending the WWE Tag Team titles against Rob Van Dam and Kane. William Regal and Lance Storm are a boring team. They need some mic time desperately.
AND THE WINNER IS damn it, to quote Booker T "save the drama for your mama". Get on with the decision already. The suspense isn't killing me anymore, it is pissing me off.
Hey, why does everyone all of a sudden care about Michael Jackson? I mean I am a fan of Michael Jackson's music but that is about it. There is a big problem when a forty year old is sleeping in the same bed with children, even if nothing sexually is going on and everyone's clothes are still on.
AND THE WINNER IS NOT SARAH!!! Evan gave Zora the "I like you as a person but not in a relationship" talk. I thought she was toast but it turns out that Zora was the one for him. Then Evan gave Zora, the "I'm not really a millionaire" speech. You should have seen the look on her face. Evan put the ball in her court and Zora has to give him a decision at the end of the show.
Married By America is the next reality series from Fox. America gets to choose two total strangers and have them marry each other. Ouch, what the hell is wrong with television. And on top of that what the hell is wrong with me. I would allow America to choose my bride. I am getting really desperate.
Now Evan has to tell Sarah that she is second best. Man, that sucks to be him. I am still not sympathetic to him at all. At least Evan got to "bang" Sarah despite what he said on the Howard Stern Show. Why would you tell Sarah the truth though? Does it really matter now? Did anyone see Sarah's heart break after Evan told her that she was not chosen? Evan stuttered too. Evan felt that Sarah was into "Joe Millionaire" and not Evan Marriott. That would be like Stephanie McMahon falling for "Triple H" and not Jean Paul Versque
Back on RAW Booker T is going to give everyone an update on Goldust. Batista and Randy Orton electrocuted Goldust several weeks ago. I am sorry to say but I care more about the girls from Joe Millionaire than Goldust.
Melissa M. returned to help Sarah pack. Yeah right, she came back to help Sarah bitch and moan about Evan. Talk about your sore losers. Paul better get Melissa M. and Sarah some sour grapes. They both sound like the contestants from the first hour of Joe Millionaire. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
The suspense for some reason continues to build. This show is starting to get really boring fast. Let's see what is happening on RAW...
A Curt Henning "Mr. Perfect" tribute. I just thought that I would let you know about the card at the Heaven's Gate Arena in Heaven. The main event will be Kerry Von Erich versus Curt Henning to commemorate the tenth anniversary of Kerry's death. Rest in peace Curt.
Back to Joe Millionaire...Zora decided to continue her relationship with Evan. Great...one more girl that I will not be getting. And Paul has a special announcement. Hey did anyone notice Paul's last name? His last name is Hogan. The butler's name is Paul Hogan. Just like Crocodile Dundee!!! Paul Hogan was the star of the Crocodile Dundee movies.
The shocking announcement from Paul was that Evan and Zora were given (Dr. Evil voice) one million dollars!!! So if Evan and Zora break up then each of them only gets $500,000. So we will see what happens. I hope that it works out. To quote my Dad, "he's got a million dollars, now he can crank her." The shock ending disappointed me. It was not all that shocking.
Back to RAW...Christian and Chris Jericho faced Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels in a No Disqualification tag team match. This was a pretty good match. I was actually impressed. Shawn got handcuffed to the ring post. Funny, I thought that only happened in WCW.
Did anyone see that Stephanie McMahon and Carrot Top 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial? Carrot Top makes me sick and watching him massage Stephanie made me even sicker. Damn it, Stephanie looked so hot. Triple H and her got engaged on St. Valentine's Day. Some people might call it love and I am sure that it is. I also call it "job security". Triple H will have it made when he marries into the McMahon family.
The Hurricane vs. Chris Nowinski match is my Bathroom match of the night. Although I did appreciate the "Harvard Sucks" chants. This match had absolutely build up to it at all. In fact it probably deserved to be on WWE Sunday Night Heat on MTV.
Chief Morley's impression of Jim Ross was hilarious. It was funny watching them train for the match between Eric Bishoff and Jim Ross. Val...I mean...Chief Morley even had a cowboy hat on. Eric was kicking punching bags with pictures of good old JR on them.
Jim Ross said it best "this is just sad". Spike Dudley versus Three Minute Warning and Rico in a handicap match. I don't like Spike Dudley in a regular match and I like him even less now. But hey, the only thing good about the match was Rico using the tights when he pinned Spike. That was funny.
Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler were sure hyping up WWE No Way Out a lot. Especially the Smackdown brand matches. They even announced a new match for the PPV. The Big Show with Paul Heyman will be taking on the Undertaker. "The King" also talked about how Matt Hardy needs to meet the weight requirements for his Cruiserweight title match with Billy Kidman. Didn't Disco Inferno pull this same stunt back in WCW.
Speaking of WCW, it is odd to see Scott Steiner and Booker T teaming up together. I can remember their rivalry over the WCW World Heavyweight title during the last few days of World Championship Wrestling. They teamed to take on Batista and Triple H. Of course Ric Flair and Randy Orton were with them as well. Triple H is a much better heel when he has the right people surrounding him. I think that the "Evolution" will help Triple H get over as a heel again. This was another good match overall. Interference from both Ric and Randy. I was surprised that Booker T pinned Triple H for the win. I thought that there was going to be a screw job for sure.
What a terrible way to end RAW. I like Jim Ross in the broadcast booth but in the ring, he is horrible. I am sick of seeing Jim Ross wrestle. Eric Bishoff shows off his karate skills to the crowd. He actually is a kick boxer in real life. Then Jim Ross comes down and gets his ass kicked by Eric Bishoff and Chief Morley after Easy E made it a "No Holds Barred" match. Jerry "The King" Lawler came down to attempt to make a save but got beaten down as well. Jim Ross had a cylinder block broken on his head as well. Everyone thought that "Stonecold" Steve Austin would come down and make the save. Everyone was disappointed but perhaps he will come down after RAW goes off the air.
Well that was it. Sorry to everyone that reads this column for wrestling takes. I really wanted to see the Joe Millionaire finale more than the first hour of RAW. I liked the second half of RAW though. Well except for the end. I guess Eric Bishoff beating the hell out of Jim Ross adds heat for WWE No Way Out. What is the deal with Jeff Hardy? Is he going to stay a face or will he turn on Shawn Michaels? How does Booker T fit into the RAW World Title picture?
As always the Perfect
One and I will have our WWE No Way Out Predictions at the end of the week.
Please send me some feedback about my column. E-mail me at UWAGLAMOUR@yahoo.com
2003.The Outside Influence
Disclaimer: This site is not affiliated with any professional wrestling promotion or wrestling related website. Images and names are property of WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) or NWATNA.